on that note

In the past few days, I have been home alone (Brig is already in Cali, I'll be meeting him there tomorrow)- and what have I done? Finished reading The Host, by Stephanie Meyer.  Yawn.  Scoured the Internet for more tutorial blogs, fashion inspiration, and the like.  Nothing notable.  Then, I wrote a poem.  Jackpot.  And...She's back, ladies and gentlemen!  In the midst of my creative moment, it occurred to me exactly what had changed over the years that resulted in my noted fashion decline.  The root.  Actually, it would be more appropriate to call it an Emily decline, because that's really what happened. 

My early 20's were not exactly a gentle, charming glide into adulthood, to say the least.  For a girl who comes from an intact home with loving parents, who loves the gospel very much, and who has attempted to live my entire life on the straight and narrow path, this was quite a shock to my system.  The dreams and ideas I had upon starting this decade of life progressively and, with increasing intensity year after year, were thoroughly beaten out of me.  To be fair, though, my dreams were heavily people reliant, so they were basically destined to fail, although how was I supposed to know that at the time?  When people who stopped going to church never came back, when people I stopped dating never looked back, when people I gave everything to in their time of need never reached back, and lastly, when I never got to go back to Hawaii and finish my missionary service, something inside of me changed, and I wouldn't say it was an improvement.  There was a distinct moment in time when I felt as though I may as well have been buried under the rubble of 9/11. At that point, I let go and I stopped trying.  I did things, of course, I made sure my life made sense and kept up the status quo, but I left all the trying to others.  Since then, the real me has only been partially present (the rest buried deep in a very hard shell).

Clearly, being in hiding is not working for me anymore.  I mean, when you experience emotional trauma, it's like any other trauma - you just need to sit a few out; but, when you stop trying for things, you go numb.  When you stop exercising, you go limp and flabby.  That's not how I like to feel. 

And, you ask, how does all of this relate to my style/fashion?  Easy.  Style isn't as much about what you wear, it is about your intention for wearing it.  Clothes are clothes, but if you don't have purpose and intention, you, my friend, have no style.  Rather, I should say, I have no style, because I am talking about myself not living with intention. 

But that's all about to change, permanently, thanks to this poem I wrote last night, which allowed me to realize all of this.

*enjoy*

Dear mr. pride

Hello something long gone,

My, looks like you’re barely hanging on

It’s hard to believe you’re still alive…

So long ago I felt you thrive.

Though, Mr. Pride, you seem to have lost your lustrous power –

That temporary thrill of being right

Has Suddenly dropped its foil for cower,

Revealing the Absence of light

deeper within.

Anything to win.

Ponder. Please, this will help you understand

What threatened you was neither devised nor planned.

Comprehend the truth you refuse to embrace,

It is still the truth you are afraid to face.

Or, pull me like lies against a lever,

Twist me into something clever-

And have your silent say

In all the corners of yesterday.

But carve your ripples of regret

IN Someone Else who will carry your silhouette

Because

I will never again let you to stay,

And you will not ever have any today.

true confessions of my fashion decline

THEN...

I'm twenty years old and I love shopping, fashion, and good style.  The world feels like it is at my disposal, the future is exciting, and I can do anything I want.  I probably go shopping about once a week, just to check the racks for any great deals.  What I don't have on my side of the closet, I can just borrow from Bayba's closet, or Pam's...and we always find something cute.  If I happen to overspend a little, that's not a big deal, because my parents help me out since I'm in college.  I love that feeling of excitement and trying on 20 outfits on Sunday morning just to get the right one.  I love that feeling of looking classy and fashionable, but not trendy.  I love hanging out with my friends, and having such a good time together, and of course, getting asked out on dates.  All is good and right with the world. Except, I wonder who I will marry...and when...?

NOW...

Still in my twenties...and I'm so concerned about my budget and getting to work on time that shopping, fashion, and good style seem to elude me in every way.  The world feels more defined, the future is more or less planned out, and I am bound to hard and fast goals that make sense instead of intuitive whims that don't make sense (the latter what I was known for in my younger days).  I go shopping about once a week for food or household goods, and I can never seem to enjoy a "guilt-free" trip to TJ Maxx, or the Mall, because as they say, "a good deal isn't a good deal if you don't really need it."  And really, I don't need more clothes.  What I don't have in my side of the closet, I just dream of making sometime, or I just without, because (a) my husband and I can't share clothes and (b) he is amazing, but looking put-together is just not quite his strongest feature (which doesn't help me much).  Not to mention, of course, that in high school when I actually was flat-chested it was not as stylish as it seems to be now.  My closet is filled with old (somewhat frumpy) mission clothes, begging to be restyled, but finding the time and motivation to do this after I come home from work, is an obstacle I haven't yet figured out how to overcome.  My church outfits are more determined by what is easy to put together and comfortable (or in the winter, what is warm) than how stylish I look.  I have a closet full of heels I never wear (I mean never).  And my hair...oh boy...one word...apathy.  No body, doesn't hold a curl, looks frizzy when blow dried, and I can't figure out how to do all of those cool braids and messy buns - so hair band or pony tail it is.  Hanging out with friends is never spontaneous, because I have to work them into my schedule, or I have to work around theirs.  I am happily married to the perfect, and I mean, beyond perfect man for me - but the fun-loving girl who cared about style?  Sigh.

Problem Solving:

I realize that the above statement is a little dramatic, but for the most part, it's accurate.  It's really been years since I felt, or actually have been "stylish." I'm pretty sure my mission did me in.  Clearly, there has been a slump. I need to set some hard and fast style goals.  I mean, there have to be standards. 

Fashion wise, here are the main challenges.  Everyone has their "things" but for me, finding myself the right looks are somewhat difficult at the moment because my body type (bust) makes current styles look horrible on me, and quite frankly, I'm not too fond of the blimpy, loose fitting, 90's-esque winged shirts/dresses anyway. I love ruffles, but even those can be my worst enemy if in the wrong place.  I love the belt-around-cardigan-over-cute-shirt with skinny jeans or a pencil skirt look, but I've tried it, and it rarely gets past my bedroom mirror check (at least with the belt, which just seems to emphasize the bust).  Realistically, the curves are probably not going anywhere soon, so I have to figure this one out.

Refashioning?

I also realize that just because all of our money has to go to necessities and savings, I'm not left without options.  Really, I love this option of refashioning.  Since the clothing budget is small, shopping at my favorite places style icons (gap, banana, anthro) are simply not an option, but

here is a blog I found today that is actually quite inspiring:

http://cottonandcurls.blogspot.com/p/diy-wardrobe-tutorials-on-refashions.html

Here are some things that I want to try and make sometime:

homemade cleaning products recipes

Since I have recently turned a new leaf in managing finances, I have realized that this is not just an attitude change, it is actually a complete lifestyle overhaul. The idea of saving money so that we can {sooner than later} progress toward complete financial freedom is making me re-analyze everything I spend money on. The funny side effect is that these discoveries are actually really exciting {I know I am a huge dork}, and they will help with the budget.

Now if I can only get over my aversion to the nauseating smell of vinegar...I'll be able to try these formulas out!

Here is what you need to make your own cleaning products:

For laundry detergent, you need 1 cup washing soda (Arm & Hammer), 1/2 cup borax (20 Mule Team), 1 bar soap (I use whatever’s cheap, in this case Pure & Natural), Approximately 3 gallons water

For kitchen and bathroom floors you need a mixture of 1 gallon of hot water with ½ cup of white vinegar. The mixture is safe for hardwood, linoleum, tile, and pretty much every washable surface. You can also use this to clean your entire bathroom, not only floors.

To make your own dishwasher liquid use water with lemon juice. All you need is ¼ cup of lemon juice and ¾ cup of warm water.

To make a disinfectant spray mix a ½ cup of borax with 1 gallon of hot water.

To clean your windows use a mixture of 1 cup of water, 1 cup of rubbing alcohol, and 1 tablespoon of white vinegar.

For cleaning kitchen cabinets use a mixture of ¼ cup lemon juice dissolved in 1 gallon of hot water.

Toilet bowl cleaner can be made by mixing ¼ cup of baking soda with 1 cup of vinegar. Let it sit for 10 minutes or so, and scrub it with brush.

Brigham's version of "frugal"

While I was writing my other post this morning (Our Week as Cheap-O's), Brigham was on his own computer working on some music stuff. Even though we've been talking about money a lot this week, when he kept bugging me to look at the link he sent me, I didn't make the connection. When I finally got around to actually clicking the link (aka when I was done blogging) this was what I saw. What can I say, I guess every little bit counts! At least his heart is in the game.

http://www.meh.ro/2011/06/10/low-budget-x-men/

Our week as Cheap-O's

A couple of weeks ago on the way to spend a day at the beach, I was at a friends house (picking her up) and spotted the Dave Ramsey book Total Money Makeover, and she let me borrow it. Every now and again, I'll find a good read that takes me from the usual "willing myself on" from one page to the next, to "wow this is fantastic did I already just read 100 pages?" The Total Money Makeover was just that, but the best part is, that it has completely motivated me to actually really do what the title suggests.

A little background here will be helpful, probably, to put into perspective why this idea is appealing to us. Prior to last summer, when we got married, Brigham and I had essentially lived completely debt-free lives, meaning, until the age of 26, neither of us acquired a cent of student loan or credit card debt, and had never personally felt the burden of "interest never sleeping." However, our decision to move to Boston immediately after we got married so that Brigham could attend the Boston Conservatory of Music was one that required loans. Lots and lots of zeros on the end of a 1 (by the time he graduates) are now our friendly companions, never too distant to forget about.

Some people would be more inclined to bury their heads in the sand and/or embrace the feeling "I'm screwed for the next 20 years", but that attitude only causes us stress, and it simply doesn't work for us. When we were making the decision to come here in the first place for this opportunity, we carefully and prayerfully considered the financial cons, yet all signs pointed to yes and all of the doors opened for us to walk through. We prayed individually and felt confirmed in our decision and encouraged to move in this direction. We have been nothing but blessed beyond measure in every way since we moved here, and I have a hard time believing the Lord will leave us in a bad financial situation for doing what is right for our family. It's time to increase our faith, and we all know that faith without works is dead.

So, there is hope for us. The signs: a few weeks ago, I simultaneously finished the Dave Ramsey book, we wrote out a budget for August, moved into a more affordable apartment, and I started a better paying job (30% raise). It was the perfect opportunity to start a financial experiment to kick-start our new Money Makeover attitude.

The experiment was "Lets see if we can go a whole week without spending any money."

The results, I have to admit, give me even more hope. First off, Brigham was actually excited to get up and pack his own lunch each day. We did spend money, but not nearly as much as normal, and each night, because Brigham and I reported our day to each other, we felt more like a team and in love with each other. Aside from our regular fixed monthly expenses due this week, like our rent, phone bill, and subway passes, which aren't noted below, we did pretty well.

Here are the actual results:

Monday: $0

Tuesday: $4 - 15 min parking

$10 - brig gave money to a bum

Wednesday: $2 - 1 breakfast muffin

Thursday: $17 - date/dinner (our one date for the week)

Friday: $0

Saturday: $2 - drink while on an outing downtown

$12 - 3 books (Borders going out of business sale)

$16 - groceries

Total: $63.00

Considering we spent more than this on one date (dinner and a movie) and then some on other stuff we didn't need the week before, its a huge improvement. And the best part is, the feeling of accomplishment and gratification we felt on Saturday was even better than the feeling of having saved some petty cash; in fact, it's propelling us to do exactly the same thing this week!

Who knew being a cheap-o could be so rewarding?!